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Joker Quotes. [Sep. 4th, 2009|09:48 pm]
The Joker in Ink: From Comics Books to Cartoons


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Can I get up to 100? Gotta go through my collection & get all the right resources latter....

Asterisk (*) indicates citation needed. Tilde (~) indicates more specific citation needed.

1) "So! They laugh at my boner, will they? I'll show them! I'll show them how many boners the Joker can make! (Batman 66).

2) "Some things are just NATURALLY funny." (Batman 680).

3) "I'm really very dissapointed with you, my sweet. The moment was perfect & you didn't have the NERVE." (Return of the Dark Knight).

4) "These very bad very RICH people whos attention you've attracted, they tell me you got yourself into this whole horrible mess because you wanted to understand what it was like to be me. Haha... You think it all breaks down into symbolism & structures & hints & clues. NO Batman, that's just Wikipedia. You actually believed ALL it would take is a few chemicals, a couple of days of drug-induced isolation, & a cheap little nervous breakdown, & you'd have ME all figured out? Like there was some rabbit hole you could follow me down to understanding?" (Batman 680).

5) "Hail to the chief! How ya been Curly? You look good. Sorry about the clutter. Who'd think shooting 80 secret service cowboys would be so messy?" (Outsiders v3 #2).

6) "Oh I know, & I won't forget it. Using that lead pipe on eachother like that..It's almost....beautiful." (Batman:Secrets).

7) "Loosen up Tightass. What's the matter? Have I touched a nerve? How's the Boy Wonder? Started shaving yet?" (Arkham Asylum:ASHoSE).

8) "NO. That wouldn't be the REAL joke, would it? The REAL joke is your stubborn, bone-deep conviction that somehow, somewhere, ALL of this makes SENCE. THAT's what cracks me up EVERY time! Find me! Come on! Down! Down! Aheh. Love really IS blind. It's not HER, not YET. It's only ME again. Remember ME? You & I, we have a special arrangement, a yin/yang thing. Holmes & Moriarty, Tweeety & Sylvester, hats & gloves, but you...you SHOT me in the FACE!" (Batman 680).

9) "Scary, isn't it? When you can't see what's coming." (DC Universe 0).

10) "Who took my city? I'm not dressed for the wilderness. Of ALL the crimes I've proudly perpatrated, I've never before been guilty of a fasion faux pas! How will my reputation survive this dire calamity?" You there. Who are you & why are you staring at me like a lovesick puppy? Suck up latter. For now, gather these rocks & sticks & coconuts & anything else you can find & build me some skyscrapers!" (Salvation Run 1).

11) "Well Frenchie, YOU want revenge, & that's fine. But me, I just wanna dance with my man. I simply can't understand WHY he's not here." (Legends of the Dark Knight 106).

12) "He's not here yet, is he? I don't want him to be here yet. My nails are still drying." (Batman 679).

13) "Oh golly I'm dying I can't breathe oh gosh I'm dying to death..." (Azrael AotB 53).

14) "Elmo, there is only ONE thing I lack, & that pathetic little rich kid reminds me of what it is. Bruce Wayne was a victim. His parents were murdered right before his eyes. It's no wonder he's troubled...He never had a father guide him into adulthood. Instead, he costed through life without thought or care...but inside him was a SWITCH. Somehow it flipped...& then something GLORIOUS happened. The boy turned into a man...a stark raving mad man. If I could capture that rage, I'd presurve it. Hold it close. Nuture it...make it blossom." (Journey into Knight 11).

15) "You again! The second-stringer! Batman-lite! Listen, I'm so SICK of dealing with the Farm Team!" (Azrael:Agent of the Bat 60).

16) "Jellybeans...I addore jellybeans, don't you? Except for the purple ones, they make me sneeze. (Azrael AotB 53).

17) "Vote for me...or I'll kill you." (Batman:Dark Detective 1).

18) "Are you going to slap me?" (Legends of the Dark Knight 200).

19) "It's all so out-of-sync...I don't know what's wrong. Where are you Batman? I've done MY part. You can't say I haven't. You can't! I've blown things up, killed policemen, dropped buildings on them. You should have been here by now. There is no reality in this world except for you & me. You'll come. You HAVE to come. Those are the RULES. Please come Batman...Please?" (Legends of the Dark Knight 106).

20) "You're not even REAL. You & the rest of the blind dirt-eating worms crawling through the raindrops of this world...NONE of you ae real. My dear Batman & I simply dreamed you all up to have something to populate this void between us. But still, I like you Artie. I think I could train you into quite a sweet little present for my dulcet Dark Knight. What do you say?" (Joker's Apprentice).

21) "No style, no respect for propriety! Tell you what....Let's just pretend the WHOLE thing never happened & do this some other time. Okay? (Batman Adventures:Mad Love).

22) "I don't know WHAT you're talking about, but I'm telling you right now: I CAN'T take you seriously in that getup. I'm guessing your REAL face is in that briefcase. Well, STRAP it on then, that mustache is creeping me out. So the LAST thing I remember is feeling all "Whitney Houston" in your arms while you ARGUED with the right reverend Gordon about the MERITS of keeping me from slipping loose this mortal coil. Naturally, if I had ANY strength whatsoever, I'd have BITTEN into your jugular while you were cradling me in your lovin' arms. But concidering how it all worked out, I guess I should just say "thanks." (Batman Cacophony 3).

23) "Hands off the jacket, Iron Cross. It's REAL velvet, & I don't want it stained when I blow your brains out." (Salvation Run 3).

24) "You're not him! He sent some sleazy second-stinger! I'm mortified! & I gotta say it...a little hurt. Let me tell you THIS, Mr. Substitute nemesis...I won't let you get skewered, sprayed. sliced, & smithereened by my magnificent machine. You're not worthy of my genius! Did I mention how hurt I am?" (Azrael AotB 53).

25) "Oh, Blackie McMaskie...EVERYONE knows my favorite job in the whole wide world is killing Robin!" (Detective Comics 810).

26) Oh ENOUGH already. "Whoever's with me, grab your $hit & let's GO!" (Salvation Run 3).

27) "Do you MIND? We're TRYING to pull off a stealthy RAID down here!" (Salvation Run 5).

28) "Look at me! I'm easy pickings!" (Salvation Run 7).

29) "I lost my temper long long ago & never found it. Maybe it's under one of the sofa cushions." (Salvation Run 6).

30) "Lex, old chum, it's been a hoot. Let's get together in a few weeks & plot out a young adult novel based on our adventures!" (Salvation Run 7).

31) "You're a giant monkey. You're violent & unpredictable. & you refur to yourself in the 3ed person, which is priceless. All very endearing qualities, to be sure." (Salvation Run 4).

32) "Well, where IS he?! I put the word out HOURS ago...Squandered jellybeans like they were hundred dollar bills...& he is NOT here...& I am MUCHO hacked off!! (Azrael AotB 53).

33) "How was I to know I could push you off a cliff by kicking you? It didn't seem physically possible!" (Salvation Run 7).

34)"Oh Batman...Batman...Let's GO...It's SO simple...Life..Death...It's ALL a big joke! A dead man's hand, & I hold the winning card!" (Batman 680).

35) "Because you ruined my life when you killed Stephanie Brown; the sweetest little Robin one could ever hope for. Don't you know that's MY job? & now because of YOU, now matter how many Robins I kill in the future, I'll always be one behind." (Batman 644).

36) "Which version do you want? The bright kid full of promise in the boosom of his loving family? The misfit youth abused at home by parents who were monsters in human guise? I've got a million of em!" (Birds of Prey 16).

37) "Do you really want to know how it feels to be the clown at midnight? Where there's only ever one joke & it's ALWAYS on you?" (Batman 680).

38) "Since we're being super truthful, I should also tell you I saw a little bit of your junk when you were getting changed before." (Batman Cacophony 3).

39) "Well gang, it seems I have a LOT of work ahead of me now. Oh, & Nightwing...I liked you SO much better in those little green shorts." (Emperor Joker 1).

40) "Woah there, Batman. What happened to YOU? Only one or two ribs broken this time. Getting OLD, cupcake? When did you turn into such a big GIRL?" (Batman 643).

41) "Sweetening the bait. If Bats doesn't care about the brat, maybe he'll go for the snack." ::seconds latter:: "You haven't stood me up! I don't have to cry into my pillow! Oh goody! I hate salty pillowcases." (Azral AotB 53).

42) "Between us, this has nothing to do with you...but I've GOT to get his attention, & sofar nothing has worked." ::seconds latter:: "FINALLY! I was begining to think you didn't love me....anymore...?" (Detective Comics 740).

43) "I've been thinking lately...about YOU...about ME...about what's going to happen to US in the end...we're going to kill eachother, aren't we?" (The Killing Joke).

44) "YOU know what it's like to walk into a room & have men catch their breaths. I get that from EVEYONE. Darkness...solitude...stealth...It makes your heart speed up. It makes you SWEAT. It's like SEX & I'M it's master. It's BETTER than sex, because I'm ALWYAS in the mood. I LOVE murder. I love the look in their eyes, looking ONLY at me. In those moments, I am what I was MENT to be...the cosmic joke! The one NO ONE understands. But to BE the Joker I must beat Batman. That's where it becomes REALLY fun. I am a force of nature! A force of the mind! & I must have a counterforce...Only ONE man can stand against me, make me work...Of COURSE I try to kill him! Because he's my perfect foe! If I ever KILLED him he'd be my IMPERFECT foe, & THEN who'd give a damn?" (Batman:Dark Detective 5).

45) "Look at these spread wings, councelor...like a teeny bat trapped in my grasp. & as much as I'd LOVE to dance with you in the dark, I only dance with ONE partner...always the SAME partner." ::later:: "& now to await Bats...Heeheee... & oh how we shall dance the night away!" (Catwoman:Year 2 39).

46) "I can't poison the water supply. The water supply is ALREADY putrid. I can't fowl the air. The air is ALREADY soot soup. I can't terrorize the citizens. The citizens are already scared out of their GOURDS. I'm PLENTY frustrated, I'll tell you that! Lonely too...Ever since I left Arkham Asylum, I've been waiting for him like a little puppy waiting for it's master. I thought he'd come looking for me, so he could bash me in the face...& lock me in a cell. But does he? Does he even call? Does he remember my birthday? Christmas? Groundhog Day? NO!" (Azrael AotB 53).

47) "Missed be by a MILE, dear boy. Aren't you just too precious for words? If you want to KILL someone, you need to quit playing with bat-toys & just DO IT! You see, darling, murder's got less to do with skill or talent & EVERYTHING to do with will." (Batman 643).

48) "Uh oh, is it spanking time?" (Batman Confidential 29).

49) "You can't stop me by hurting me. Don't you know me at ALL? Pain is my boon companion! My Stalwart friend! I'm alive with pain every moment of every day, Lex! Ever since that fateful day when I was baptized in a vat of chemical goo. That corrisive stuff has burned through my skin like fire. Pain is my one true love!" (Salvation Run 6).

50) "I know we BOTH like a little jet-black irony with our morning coffee." (Batman 680).

51) "Shhh...You had me at "mental defect or disease."" (Batman Confidential 23).

52) "No sign...What does it TAKE? I cut up the city...I give the people their medicine...I even steal up all the criminals left in Gotham so he has NO ONE to play with but ME...but he STILL WON'T COME! Doesn't he CARE?" (Batman Confidential 11).

53) "Oh my. Oh my. That was...that was FUN. I NEED to see him again." (Batman Confidential 8).

54) "Heavens to Murgatroyd...Deadshot's been shot dead!" (Batman Cacophony 1).

55) "Oh no, your old eyes do NOT decieve you, Brucie. After all, who'd know ME better than YOU?" (Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker).

56) ::The very first meeting with Batgirl:: "Bats! So you finally took that trip to Sweden." (DC1st 1).

57) "Someone could have splashed a little WATER on my hair. I wasn't even ASKING for Shampoo. As for this suit...better get rid of it before I discover a nuclear BOMB under tha lapel. What are YOU looking at? Haven't you ever seen a comic strip?" (Azrael AotB).

58) "Bah! Confound that Batman! It is well that I'm ready to trick him into HIS b0ner! Then the tables are turned!" (Batman 66).

59) "GONE! I HATE it when he does that. But he DOES make life worth living. I'm all a-tingle. I won't be able to sleep a wink. Can't wait until...tomorrow night." (Batman 429).

60) "I'd like to bet that you have NO idea what you're dealing with. I'll bet double or nothing that Batman crawls out of that shallow grave with all his faculties intact & hunts you down like the dogs you all are." (Batman 681).

61) "He died...but he STILL didn't smile. & he was right, it WASN'T funny, but it SHOULD have been." (Batman 686).

62) "Batman, where are you? I set it all up so beautifully. It's all so perfect...so CLASSIC! So epic! This was supposed to be the moment of our DEATHS. I KNOW you're out there somewhere, but you're supposed to be HERE...now...with ME! Don;t you love me anymore? Oh batman...Not even the charm of a goodnight kiss? No appologies? No explanations? Just a BRUITISH lackey dispatched to deliver your message of REJECTION?" (Legends of the Dark Knight 106).

63) "You look like HELL....It's good to see you. Well, it's good to see ANYONE who's job isn't to clean up after me. Oh wait a minute...that IS your...Well. it can't be a JOB because no one PAYS you to do it. Growing NUTS? But not MUCH of a life. That is, if we assume you don't ENJOY it. That's it's made an ASS out of you.... As for me, I'm enjoying this. You've made some big mistakes in the past few days. Little birds. My hobby. See, I'm your number one fan. I'm focused. I know EVERYTHING you're going to do BEFORE you do it. But lately you've done things that....surprised me. & I love surprises almost as much as I love you. Denial is NOT just the river your drowning in, my detective." (Batman 625).

64) "Life & death, the joke & the punchline...Red & black, like a bat, in a dream, in a window." (Batman 663)

65) Come on Batsy! You think a moustache, a little prosthetics, & a bad accent is enough to hide that gorgeous scowl of yours?" Hey, you missed hanging out with me, & I'm touched. So what was the PLAN, genius? Become roomies, swap sad storiess & then see what makes me tick? Don't worry, I got no interest in peeking. I lika-me the ladies". ::peaks anyway:: "You really didn't need to go to all this trouble. I'm happy to share. All I wan't for Christmas...is YOU. You're the wind beneath my wings, & suprise suprise sweetie darling, I'm the wind beineath yours. You complete me. Here's the deal. I don't care if I'm in jail or living in a mansion with a cement pond. I'm going to hurt people & have my jollies doing it. Until you kill me...or I kill you. So either grow the testes to play by Brooklen rules, or fly along & catch someone who cares." (Batman confidential 24).

66) "You're LATE. As usual. Oh, it's alright. I forgive you, as usual. Mmmm-mmm! You know I just can't stay mad at you." (Batman: Gotham Adventures 45).

67) "I already said that. Sheesh...Ears that big & you STILL don't listen. MEN! I'll bet BATGIRL would have heard me the first time." (Batman: Gotham Adventures 45).

68) "Speaking of dead, you ever wonder why it is I've never killed you? I've been dying to tell you this for years...I've been letting you win." (Batman: Gotham Adventures 1).

69) "Both of us are trying to find meaning in this meaningless world! Why be a disfigured outcast when I can be a notorious crime god? Why be an oprphaned boy when you can be a superhero?" (Batman 663)

70) "He's not just GOOD in the dark...He BREATHES it, he OWNS it, it FEEDS him, caresses him. It's the only thing in the universe that loves him more than I do. You trust me on this...You want to pull this off, Pumpkin, you'd better keep your hand on the light switch." (Joker's Apprentice).

71) "Okey, I'll play along, Harpo. What's in the...Um, is this for ME? Oh, I get it now..You have one of those clown fetishes. Well alright, but listen Slappy, I bottom from the top, okay? Just do me a favor & don;t tell Tetch. That midget's been trying to get me to do this for YEARS no & I told him I don't swing that...Huh? Hey! Where'd you go? Seduced & abandoned." (Batman Cacophony 1).

72) "Listen to THIS, you brain-dead Cephalopod! I have better things to do than repeat myself ad nauseam in the FLEETING hope that through some MIRACLE you might somehow triumph over your own crushing ignorance & get ONE ITEM of my order right!" (Detective Comics 826).

73) "All business Lex? Oh c'mon, your majesty. Where's the LOVE? How about a hug? One of those REALLY jock-like hetero squeezes? Let's have it Pumpkin, gimmie some. We can sit up ALL night, make s'mores, talk about boys, braid eachother's hair...woopsie! Right, the 'follicly challenged' chief executive, sorry." (Outsider v3 #3).

74) "Happy anniversary, Batman dear. Five years since the day we first met. I DO so hope you enjoy my PRESENT." (Joker's Apprentice).

75) "THINK Batboy. Use your amazing intellect! You & I DESERVE eachother without impediment! The rest of the world is just background noise! Like that SONG that's stuck in my head. Don'tcha HATE when that happens? (Batman:Dark Detective 1).

76) "You mean that's not just some CRAZY disguise? That I'm working with a NAZI?! That mask must be cutting off the oxygen to your brain. I may be a criminal lunatic, but I'm an AMERICAN criminal lunatic! Keep back boys, this creep is MINE!" (Batman * Captain America).

77) "Oh waiter! There appears to be a dead girl in my soup. TWO actually." (Gotham Underground 5).

78) "Look, I know you're NEW to this role, Bay-bay, but here's the scenario! This is the part where Batsy's beaten me in my little game & he turns me over to the men in the white coats. You following me here?" (random comic scan).

79) "You gonna give him a kiss, or just go through his pockets?" (Detective Comics 673).

*80) "You're a glutton for punishment. I like that." (random comic scan).

81) "What's this? No flowers? No chocolates? No wonder you can't get a date on a Saturday night." (Justice League of Arkham 1).

*82) "Don't be silly. No one would ever harm Harley...well, other than ME of course. Now remind me...which one is Harley?" (random comic scan).

*83)"Ooh! He does NOT look happy. In fact, it looks like he intends to do me bodily harm. I don't mind the whips & chains once in awhile, Batsy-Booby, but only when I ASK for them." (random comic scan).

84)"Quick question. When the clock strikes 12, do I get a little kiss?" (Joker to Batman, The Long Halloween 4).

85) "You...You KILLED him? Batman? MY Batman? You killed Batman? NOOOOO!" (Catwoman v1 65).
So uh...anyone here still think the Joker like-a the ladies?


[User Picture]From: yayoineko
2009-09-08 03:49 am (UTC)

Of course!
How about when Batman goes to visit Joker on death row and Joker calls him an old freind, and telling him goodbye? Ohh, the look on his face >_<
Or how about the one where some shrink is interviewing him or he's writting something, and he talks about the world being in darkness and everyone is scared, but then a candle of hope is lit reliving everyone, then he blows it out?
Gosh, I can't remember at all where I read that or what seris it was in, but you probably have that one set up to post too, yes?
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[User Picture]From: likalaruku
2009-09-08 09:37 am (UTC)
That shouldn't be too hard to find. He's only been threatened with the death pentalty twice.

He's sees a lot of shrinks. That might be a bit harder. If you had a scan of the art or more into on the issue it would help.

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From: (Anonymous)
2010-10-30 09:52 pm (UTC)
gawd, this is years old, but i have to do this... here's the 'candle' quote:
"In my dream, the world had suffered a terrible disaster. A black haze shut out the sun, and the darkness was alive with the moans and screams of wounded people. Suddenly, a small light glowed. A candle flickered into life, symbol of hope for millions. A single tiny candle, shining in the ugly dark. I laughed and blew it out." - Identity Crisis
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